April is STILL rough...but almost over!

April is hard...still! Instead of talking about all the icky crap that has been going on, I'm going to list the amazing things that have happened - just to remind myself that God is faithful and just, and I should not be worrying/stressed about anything.

1. Its Kalli's birthday! And Ann's birthday! And Ann is coming - TOMORROW! I can't wait.
2. I am slowly embracing this "adulthood" thing.. You know like "pre-teen?" Being in oh...6th grade and buying your first bra or realizing that maybe boys don't have cooties? I think I've hit "pre-adult" -- still not quite ready to acknowledge full on adulthood, but have a peaking curiosity.
3. My friends here are amazing... for example this morning, I pretty much woke Seth up to and he was willing to drive me to drop off my keys and bring me back to campus, and Gretchen instantly making a Starbucks run (and including a cookie) when my car stopped running. I am surrounded by really great people and they will honestly be my lifelong friends.
4. School is going great. I have all A's in my classes. Considering I haven't had any exams yet, I would hope to have A's, but still. The class averages aren't all A's so I can enjoy my moment :) Plus it is giving me motivation to study for the actual exams.
5. I talked to my family, including my favorite old people -- Uncle Dan and Aunt Debbie, and Granny O. My parents and Kalli leave Thursday for Portugal and then London for a couple weeks, so I gotta get all the chat time in with them while I can! Hopefully all this car stuff will be figured out before they go!

Also... I've heard 2 really great sermons and had 3 really amazing times of worship... Friday night at Sabbath, Sunday morning at Oikos and tonight at the Inn. God is good. I need to remember that.

update

so I managed to make it through last week... thanks to many supportive hugs, phone calls, texts etc. so thanks for extending your thoughts and prayers. It was hard not being at home, but I guess its part of growing up. I'm not always going to be able to just go to the cemetery when I miss people, or drive past the crash site. but lets not go there right now. ok - deep breath!

So its only 9:15 and i feel like I have been awake for at least 3 days straight. Perhaps my Red Bull/coffee addiction is what is keeping me going? But for some reason I feel like I haven't been getting good sleep lately. Molly has mono - well its probably what she had back in February when we kept having to take her to the ER but her test came back positive today. Nicole and I spent the entire afternoon at the health center waiting to have blood drawn. One of the nurses said it was like the ER in there today with lots of crazy and random injuries showing up. The nurse who actually drew my blood was a peach. She tried to recruit me to be a nurse since I wasn't queezy about having blood drawn, and since the average age of the working nurse is 50. She told me this was her 40th year being a nurse. My first thought was "gosh I hope I find a career that I am comfortable enough with to stick around for 40 years" then my mind switched and I thought "geesh... 40 years!? That is almost twice as long as I have lived right now... can I really see myself doing the same thing for that long without ever changing my mind? Won't I want to retire by then?" Nurses are special people... it takes a certain heart to make a great nurse. Anways, I'm getting really excited because Ann comes in one week! I can't wait to have her here. But I have a physics quiz tomorrow and have a little bit of reading and a few problems to look over before then so I better get cracking instead of wasting more time! Goodnight!

April is rough...

Every year this week in April is particularly difficult and I'm reminded that yet another year has passed since I lost Erin. I still remember that Wednesday afternoon like it just happened 5 minutes ago and my throat gets tight every single time I think about it... getting into her car and then having to turn around and get my own car after my mom called to insist I pick up my little sister from piano lessons.

I miss eating jelly bellys with Erin, and getting onion petals from Arbys, and driving over to the Shaffers doing my makeup in the passenger seat of her little brown Honda. I miss her laugh and her smile. I miss being able to call her in the middle of the night. I miss Java Junkie mexican hot chocolates. I miss wearing flip flops on Chapel days just to see if the teachers would give us detention. I miss eating Torengos chips with salsa, and her mom's microwave brownies. I miss having to clean the bathroom at either her house or mine before we could go anywhere. I miss singing at the top of our lungs to whatever song we were currently obsessed with (particularly the country ones). I miss sitting in the corner of the gym eating Hunans watching Danny and John play basketball.

I remember getting phone call after phone call that entire evening. I remember when it hit me, i walked outside of the Patient Appointment Center and collapsed feeling completely emotionless and screaming out to God demanding an explanation but knowing there was none. Then there came the downpour of rain. And I sat in the rain and cried. I poured out as many tears as I was capable of producing that afternoon, and the next couple of days were the same story - constant kleenex, red puffy eyes, lots of hugs, and being surrounded by the constant prayers of friends and family. I don't know how I have made it 6 years now without this amazing friend...I can't even begin to imagine how her parents feel. I'm not sure why God puts such amazing people into our lives only to take them away from us when it seems like we need them the most.

We also lost another classmate Megan in a car accident last year during this awful week in April. My heart aches for her best friends who can relate to how I'm feeling... this emptiness and incompleteness - like you just aren't the same person. Its not anything somebody can "fix" and I get so irritated when people try. My heart is missing a piece, not needed to be mended back together. I don't think anyone understands the feeling until they lose a friend themselves, which is an awful thing to wish on someone... I guess for now I can hold on to the memories that I do have and push through it knowing that for some reason God has different plans for me and just trust that I'm doing the right thing.

Its going to be hard to not be at the cemetery on Thursday, no flowers, no hugs from Todd, Jodi and Josey, no seeing Grandma Lila and Grandpa Sonny...no Danny Utter, John Kaiser and Jerry Shaffer to wipe my tears and share memories with me. Erin Marie Sorenson, know that you will never be forgotten... you truly changed my life and not a day goes by where I am not reminded of you in some way.

back to school

While most of my friends (at home that is) are counting down the 4-5 weeks remaining until summer begins for them, I'm about to start yet another chaotic quarter of school. I'm actually looking forward to feeling busy again. Give me about 2 weeks and I'll feel completely overwhelmed and buried in to-do lists and I'll wish I was back at this place of contentment yet craving something new.

Break was restful. It was amazing seeing my family and friends back home, and I'm extremely jealous that you all will be done with school and enjoying hot sunny days at the lake and cool summer nights in the park while I'm studying for my horrendous schedule of classes. It will be worth it. Thats all I know, somehow, someday, I'll be so thankful for the fact that I pushed myself and got things done.

I absolutely adore my roommates. I was greeted with smiling faces and giant long awaited hugs from so many amazing people... that is what makes me just love Bellingham. So thankful for the friendships that have blossomed here! Anyways, tomorrow is the big first day... I only have labs on Tuesdays, and they don't meet the first week so I have the privilege of sleeping in one more day before having 8AM class M-F. Goodnight!