answers

Sometimes I feel like I lose sight of what's important. I feel like what matters to me is me and temporary satisfaction. This week has been important especially because I have finally found contentment in several areas. Oh and it snowed - it is impossible for it to be snowing and me to not be smiling. Anyways - answers to prayer always amaze me with their arrival. Whether they are in the form of a smile from across the room, sharing tears with a friend enduring struggle and hardship, or simply a letter. Answers are making themselves ever more abundant lately. For starters I havebeen told that I will be interviewing for 3 things: two are jobs at the hospital in pediatrics and the emergency department - 2 places that never have openings. the third interview is the one I am most excited for: nursing school! For once I
didn't cry or need to run out my anger or scream at the sky in confusion and disappointment when I opened a letter from a potential future college! What a relief! My reaction this time was classic: a big smile and a high five from my mom. while these opportunities bring challenges and provide a major stepping stone towards my future in healthcare, they unfortunately snuff out the glimmer of entertaining the idea of taking spring semester to be a snowboard bum with a very close friend. While the decision ultimately lies in His hands, I feel overwhelmed with peace and satisfaction. I will rest calmly and fully in the strength and love and wisdom so graciously offered to me tonight.

wilderness of 2009

Life has provided plenty of seasons for me, and this month is going to be full of new and exciting things. lately I've been challenged - not in a 'slump' but just sort of feeling far from God and far from joy, which I don't like at all. I think this year has sort of been a wilderness for me. Lots of adventures, new discoveries, crazy animals, and a couple wrong turns. I am thankful that God uses these phases of wilderness to draw us closer to Him and remind us of what he can accomplish through us if we just allow him to.

2009 has brought on a lot of new emotions and situations -- I've experienced the wilderness of rejection, loneliness, grief, and disappointment. Instead of believing that I was good enough to get into grad schools, I repeatedly allowed myself to feel defeated even before the rejection letters came in the mail. I had no back-up plan, and was reluctant to trust that there was something bigger for me. When I moved home it was nearly impossible to not feel alone. Sure my family is here, but they have adapted their lives to not include me in day-to-day events for the last 4 years. I stumbled around grumbling for just one night where I had "plans." The wilderness of loneliness just paved the road to grief. Not trusting and continually finding negatives set me up to greet the hardest days of my year with a calloused, bitter heart. I was constantly pondering what could be different if only certain people were still around, and the questions that plagued my mind 7 years ago resurfaced. Then came the wilderness of disappointment. Man is this one tough to swallow - admitting that a person has let you down completely is like surrendering hope. Something I have never EVER wanted to do.

Just when I was about to give up, a Sunday sermon brought a refreshing message about how God's love covers everyone, especially the people we absolutely cannot fathom ever loving. Think about that for a minute, how powerful. I have never felt more empowered to speak of the wonders God can accomplish when we claim his promises and cling to his truth. I'm hanging on, patiently waiting, praising through the storm, and trusting there is something bigger. Anyone who has ever seen the view of a summit point on a hike, or been in a race, or faced a challenge knows that the end is the best part. I'm to the point of the trek through the wilderness has left my mouth dry, and legs aching for a rest, my hair matted to my forehead with sweat, and a smile on my face as I head forward over the final steep hill to the top, the finish, the victory.

Regardless of what the finish looks like, staying in Rapid City and starting Nursing school, moving to Sun Valley to be a snowboard bum, working at the Hospital and trying with every humanly ounce to bless the people I will have the opportunity to serve...maybe its something bigger.

ok so blogger is wigging out. it has the wrong day and time, and I can't figure out how to make those pictures not be at the top. but alas, I am tired! it is now almost 2 AM and I have an in-service to prepare still. Washington friends, if you are reading this - I MISS YOU. Goodbye for now.

summer whirlwind

this summer is flying by. my days are filled with work, mostly laughing and coming up with themed days to prevent burnout and drama among our lifeguards. The mustache bash was by far a hit, and most of you know how much I enjoy a great fake mustache :)

Molly and Seth made the trek east and visited over the weekend. It was so incredible to spend time with them, and show them all the fantastic things I love about home. It did make me miss Bellingham though. I sort of fell into the routine of work and schedules and forgot what it was like to have real friends around to encourage spontaneous behavior. It was also an incredible indulgence to take 4 days off of work in a row -- a guilty pleasure almost as good as eating an entire row of Oreos in one sitting, maybe even better. Exploring all that Rapid City and the Black Hills have to offer was even more delightful with their company. We played on life-size concrete dinosaurs, hiked Harney Peak, went to Mt. Rushmore, hiked to the Poet's Table and left a riveting message for future adventurers, went to Crazy Horse (and crashed a Kurtenbacher family reunion that allowed us some VIP access to the very top) and played a few unforgettable rounds of Monopoly. (Not to mention ate delicious meals strategically planned and on a posted menu by my mother that helped Molly and Seth understand where I get my 'domestic-ness' from) It was refreshing to know that friendships can just be picked up where you left off, no awkwardness or blame-game for the lack of contact, just straight up excitement to be reunited. Now I just need to convince more people to make the trip. here's some photos.



Tomorrow morning I'm in charge of the lifeguard in-service. The high for tomorrow is only 60, with a 60% chance of rain. So I'm doubting we'll even be opening the pool. My plan right now is to meet at the pool and then come to our house and make everyone breakfast - chalk one up in the "team building" column. Goodnight for now.

getting settled

My life is settling down a bit. Finally. Its hard to believe that I have been home for almost 2 months already because less than a week ago I was still keeping most of my possessions in my trunk. What it comes down to was the last night in our old house. My mom, Kerry, Kalli and I all laying on a king size mattress in the middle of the living room. Each remembering moments that will never leave us. My mom and Kalli couldn't resist the urge to walk upstairs and scrunch into the bathtub together - tears were welled up in all of our eyes as my mom remembered giving Kalli her first bath in that tub. I on the other hand, reminded them of my friends holding each other down and shaving legs in that very tub, which quickly transferred the conversation to our front hedge. My apologies to the new home owners for the permanent lack of growth in that hedge, but the endless summer nights spent "bush jumping" over/through that hedge were priceless. We did our final walk through, and turned over the keys. Moving after nearly my entire life being spent in the same house has taught me a few things, brought tears to my eyes more than once, and provided several gut aches induced by excessive laughter. A few favorite found treasures in the process:

1. Kalli's road trip plans with friends including a required permission slip and a soundtrack listing

2. A card from Kevin Morsching that he sent me when Erin died.

3. More Barbies than I had the tolerance to count...not to mention the accessories! I guess thats what happens when you have 3 girls.

4. Journal we were required to keep freshman year of high school for English class where Erin and I wrote notes and predicted the future of our classmates.

5. Middle school yearbook with an entire page of Ann's unchanged handwriting, a note from Torey, Megan's attempt at spelling, and seeing everyone's home phone numbers written next to their name and gel pen hearts around boys.

Those were my favorites, there were definetly more, some that we convinced each other to let go of. I'm thankful that even in a new setting the people in my life remain the same: wonderful, hilarious, inspiring, encouraging, and loving.

thankful

Psalm 91
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.

He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,

nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.

You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-

then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.

For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;

they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

"Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."

My prayer is that those who have constantly comforted and encouraged me feel the presence of God's commanded angels and are strengthened to make bold choices that will glorify Him today.

new skin

The only thing from Washington that physically remains are the bugs plastered on the front of my car. The smell of my laundry is now home, my room has finally started to feel like mine, now I don't worry about taking keys with me when I leave the house, driving anywhere rarely happens alone but now those riding shotgun are most often under 16 and typically blast Taylor Swift - which is a drastic change from Bellingham where my car was a sort of sanctuary where me and many friends laughed, cried, and shared life.

What would I give for one of those drives through Bellingham with a great friend to sort out my thoughts tonight? Well...anything in my possession. Thankfully I know that through Him I will be strengthened, encouraged, and refreshed. More on the events of the week once I figure them out a bit more.

One thing that is constantly weighing on my heart this week -- Erin's accident. I can remember her laugh and smile, drive-thru runs during boy's basketball games, waking up to Erin having an outfit laid out for me to wear to school and anxious to curl the back of my hair for me, the slapping sound our flip-flops would make running up the courtroom steps to get money from her mom for fake nails or Java Junkie mexican hot chocolates... how have 7 years passed and these things are so vivid in my mind that it seems like it happened today, and will happen again tomorrow? I miss her.

thunder

through tear-filled eyes, I was welcomed with a South Dakota thunderstorm as I crossed the last state border of my journey back. Not sure why the tears were falling in the first place, but yet unable to stop them. The crashing thunder and bright streaks of lightning brought the urge to floor the gas pedal. One more hour until I'm home. I fought off the tears eventually, and was greeted at the door by a family eager to have me back. My heart is confused, but I am certain that God is in control. Surrender here I come.

Now here I sit...at home and unsure about what is next but trusting.

speechless!

I have never been surprised like this before.
Being surrounded by so much love and encouragement - through hugs, giggles, conversation, and the AMAZING journal that I will cherish forever. This night was...hands down... the most memorable night I have had in a very long time.

Thank you for your kind words everyone, you all mean so much to me and I am glad to have a Bellingham thread knitted in to everything I do.

One short week remains!

hold on loosely

coincidence that the song playing as I drove to the Inn tonight was "Hold on Loosely" by 38 Special? I think not. Thank you, Lisa. I trust that He has something bigger.

March already!

I have one question: What happened to February?! I know it is a short calendar month, but geesh. Who knew how fast an entire month can fly by!

My time in Bellingham is coming to an end, and as the days linger on I am doing my best to fill my time surrounded by people. I have always been a relational person. (Hey, as an almost college grad I have learned that instead of saying "I like to talk" I should say "I am a relational person" -- Thanks profs!) My mind never stops, and it feels like I am rocking on a boat. Running back and forth actually, trying to find a balance for my emotions. I am overjoyed to have parents with arms open for my return, but am clinging to the arms that welcomed me to Bellingham. I am ready for the open road... I have a LOT to think about and somehow driving always helps me to process my thoughts and talk to God. But I will miss being able to drive down the street and have my own "Dashboard Confessional" time with whoever lands in my passenger seat.

ahh yes. bittersweet. Packing has been bittersweet as well. The fun part is dumpster diving for boxes, not so much interested in trying to figure out how to take my furniture apart/use my tools/decide what to bring home and what can stay. Blech.

By the way - I am ready to shed light on a situation for the blog readers: I didn't get into physical therapy school. (GASP!) This presents an entire list of pros and cons that I have mentally been keeping track of for... oh a few weeks now. For example:
pro: I get a break from school.
con: I have to find a job.

pro: I can re-examine where God is leading me and pursue other options or find out what I need to do differently in order to get in next year.
con: I have worked so hard to earn the education and grades that I already received, and can't imagine having to retrace my steps.

pro: my initial career path (nursing) seems to be opening up again
con: I convinced myself last year at this time that I wanted to be a PT instead of a nurse

enough of that deep stuff - on a lighter note! I am finally done with lots of school work that made me feel like I was breathing out of a straw. Sometimes it even felt like one of those tiny red coffee straws,that are meant only to stir with and you need like 8 of them in order to get any liquid sucked up... well I had only one and I was NOT getting enough air! Good news: my straw expanded today to a coffee can diameter. Now I need to gear up for finals week. Which means that this week can include baking and cooking...! YAY!

Finishing hanging the dirty laundry - Facebook part 3

Thirdly, and my last realization that pushed me to make the decision to get rid of facebook, was I began to feel overly important. Facebook has a way of making you feel like EVERYONE cares that you: forgot your book for class, are bored, are hungry, are sleeping, are eating..whatever it is I began to constantly update my status in order to make sure that if someone by chance wanted to get a hold of me they could check Facebook and know what was going on in my life. Facebook statuses became an "art" for me... either funny, contemplative, super serious, and I realized that I was feeling exploited. Why should life changing decisions, events, and feelings be broadcasted via my Facebook status!? I have no idea! but I am so thankful that I have realized how ridiculous I was being.

Thank you Seth Thomas, Grant Fishbook, Doug Bunnell, and many others who have heard me rant and go through this phase of life. And thanks Facebook, for helping me realize the crap I was letting myself believe when ultimately my life means SO much more than a few pictures, a list of interests, and creeping around on people I haven't heard from in years.

Facebook Part 2

Unfortunatley, I left the INN and thought "well pfft... I can rise above that. I am NOT that bad about facebook. Some of that stuff applies to me, but geez. I know what is real life and what is facebook life." Then, on Sunday morning a week later I was at a church that I had never attended. The sermon was on confronting sin and acknowledging it as a filthy pig that is preventing us from getting the wonderful things that God has for us. Immediately for some reason I felt conviction about Facebook. Constantly comparing myself to see if I measure up is no way to live my life...and instead of boosting my own self confidence when I saw others struggling with something I should be trying to be a better friend to them and support them through their struggles. (Which was what the sermon this last Sunday was on...how the paralyzed man was healed when his closest friends CARRIED him to Jesus. Powerful stuff) Anyways back to the pig...the pastor challenged us before we left by saying, "Now, when you leave here, the sun is going to hit your face and you are going to smile. You have a decision to make. You can either get rid of the pig or continue to make excuses." which presented the challenge once again...

soapbox moment - Why I Left Facebook (part 1)

so I deleted my Facebook account on February 1. A little over a week has passed, and I feel so liberated. Please do NOT interpret this as me bashing Facebook, or saying that it is an awful thing, but my moment on a soapbox is due. This is MY experience with it, and may not be where everyone is so don't be outraged, ok? Alright.

At the INN we are talking about letting God be the Lord of every aspect of our lives. Seth spoke on how our generation is impatient and tech-savvy. During his talk, I agreed with him on several points. First, we have our communication through our "iLives" to be substituted for real conversation. Instead of calling someone when I'm thinking about them, I creep around on their facebook profiles. After wasting about an hour reading wall-to-wall posts of people, coming across people who I maybe don't even remember meeting and probably looking at over 200 photos on facebook, I would feel like I wasted an hour but-- I could justify it by writing a wall post to someone along the lines of "Hey! I miss you! Hope you're doing well!" Now hear me out - these posts are NOT a bad thing. That is not the point. My point is: I would find myself either feeling like I wasn't pretty enough, didn't have funny enough jokes to write to people, wasn't going on enough adventures, and on the other side of things, I was rushing to false judgements about people I hardly knew based on thier pictures and even sometimes feel inferior to others after seeing pictures of what they are doing. THAT my friends, is NOT the intended use of Facebook, but that is what I was getting out of it. So thanks Seth Thomas, for reminding me that not only was I allowing myself to be emotionally unstable, either under or over confident depending on who I had just compared myself to, and allowing me to confront the issue.

Now... I don't have time to continue but there is sooo much more I have learned. And unfortunately, the INN talk was only the first straw. So check back soon for part 2.

reconsider

living by faith is tough.

Being sure of what I hope for, and certain of what I do not see certainly does not represent my current attitude.

Instead of feeling like I'm on a roller coaster ride of happys and crappys, I am going to smile.
Take a deep breath.
Remember what I am worth.
Hold my chin up.
TRUST that I am in good hands, His hands.
Repeat as needed.

25 Things

So... a few other friends have done this and now its my turn. Here are 25 things about me that most likely wouldn't come up in conversation, and I'd love to read yours!

(in no particular order of importance)

1. I have an irrational fear of moths. So irrational that sometimes it brings me to tears.

2. The first concert I attended was Boys II Men in Rapid City, SD. My parents made my older sister Kristen and cousin Adam bring me along. I still break into a little "motown philly back again" when I fold laundry.

3. Speaking of singing, I performed "Wing Beneath My Wings" "X's and O's" and Celine Dion's "Because You Loved Me" at my elementary school talent shows. My 5th grade year me and my friends did a dance to a Spice Girls song so I couldn't sing.

4. Three things I rarely go a day without: post-it notes, Diet Coke, and calling my mom.

5. When I was about 5 my bald uncle Tom had me convinced that he wore a 'bald wig' because his hair was so long that it would drag on the ground. I believed him until I was in 7th grade.

6. Now that my mom is bald, I sometimes wonder if me or my sisters will lose our hair too. I pray that if it does happen to one of us it will be me because I don't think that either of them will handle it very well.

7. I rode on the back of a motorcycle with a complete stranger going over 100mph.

8. I appreciate men who know how to treat women, and am thankful that chivalry is not dead.

9. When my best friend Erin was killed in a car accident my freshman year of high school, it poured rain. The next day when I was riding along with someone down the road that she died on I was so thankful that the rain had washed everything away. I think that ultimately, this developed sense of peace and healing from rain played a big part in my decision to move to Washington.

10. Growing up the highlight of my summer vacation was herding cows horseback for 4 days with my mom's cousin (most of my mom's cousins are considered my aunts and uncles, and growing up I didn't know that they really weren't). When I was 4, I went along on the winter trip as well and I peed my pants on the saddle. It was so cold that the pee froze in my red cowboy boots. When we got back into the house and I thawed out, my boots smelled so bad that my aunt Donna threw them away and bought me a new pair of turquoise ones, which were even better than red.

11. Speaking of peeing, I peed my pants (just a little bit) when my friend Markus, in desperation to rush to the door in order to unlock it for our friend Ali who REALLY needed to pee, tripped on a crack in the sidewalk, fell to his knees, ripped his pants and had rocks in his wrists, but rolled out of it gracefully and continued running to the door even though Ali and I were both curled up laughing uncontrollably.

12. My favorite thing to cook is...well let's be honest. I love cooking. I think that meals are so important and truly believe that who you eat with becomes your family.

13. I absolutely LOVE Disneyworld.

14. Whenever I put deodorant on, I make a weird face. Kind of like how I can't put mascara on without opening my mouth.

15. My iTunes library currently has 4,004 songs in it.

16. I will never be able to formulate words to express how truly grateful I am to have had the opportunity to be a part of the lives of all of those I have lost. They are forever in my heart, and each of them has inspired me in a special way.

17. While working at the hospital as a nurse's assistant, I accidently sprayed myself with someone else's poop while attempting to empty his bedpan. Then I threw up. .

18. I have 2 1/2 screws in my right ankle because I fell bouldering.

19. My only regret is regret.

20. The reality of "what I want to be when I grow up" could be drastically different than the one I'm working towards right now, and secretly I hope it is.

21. My face lights up when I see ANYTHING South Dakota. (example: while watching National Treasure 2, I was constantly poking the people next to me and walked out of that movie feeling like I had just visited home. The only thing missing was my family)

22. If I could, I would graduate college and start over as a freshman in high school.

23. Three things I could probably live without: lentil soup (gross), confrontation (its really hard for me to do) and silence.

24. My ideal day would consist of waking up to snow, drinking coffee, getting bundled up, snowboarding, coming back to a fire and a crock pot of chilli with friends, sipping hot chocolate roasting marshmallows and watching a comedy. Sleep and repeat.

25. I'm embarassed that my middle name is Rae. I kept it a secret all through middle and high school. But now, here it is. Kimberly Rae Bilka.

Let's see your 25 things!