answers

Sometimes I feel like I lose sight of what's important. I feel like what matters to me is me and temporary satisfaction. This week has been important especially because I have finally found contentment in several areas. Oh and it snowed - it is impossible for it to be snowing and me to not be smiling. Anyways - answers to prayer always amaze me with their arrival. Whether they are in the form of a smile from across the room, sharing tears with a friend enduring struggle and hardship, or simply a letter. Answers are making themselves ever more abundant lately. For starters I havebeen told that I will be interviewing for 3 things: two are jobs at the hospital in pediatrics and the emergency department - 2 places that never have openings. the third interview is the one I am most excited for: nursing school! For once I
didn't cry or need to run out my anger or scream at the sky in confusion and disappointment when I opened a letter from a potential future college! What a relief! My reaction this time was classic: a big smile and a high five from my mom. while these opportunities bring challenges and provide a major stepping stone towards my future in healthcare, they unfortunately snuff out the glimmer of entertaining the idea of taking spring semester to be a snowboard bum with a very close friend. While the decision ultimately lies in His hands, I feel overwhelmed with peace and satisfaction. I will rest calmly and fully in the strength and love and wisdom so graciously offered to me tonight.

wilderness of 2009

Life has provided plenty of seasons for me, and this month is going to be full of new and exciting things. lately I've been challenged - not in a 'slump' but just sort of feeling far from God and far from joy, which I don't like at all. I think this year has sort of been a wilderness for me. Lots of adventures, new discoveries, crazy animals, and a couple wrong turns. I am thankful that God uses these phases of wilderness to draw us closer to Him and remind us of what he can accomplish through us if we just allow him to.

2009 has brought on a lot of new emotions and situations -- I've experienced the wilderness of rejection, loneliness, grief, and disappointment. Instead of believing that I was good enough to get into grad schools, I repeatedly allowed myself to feel defeated even before the rejection letters came in the mail. I had no back-up plan, and was reluctant to trust that there was something bigger for me. When I moved home it was nearly impossible to not feel alone. Sure my family is here, but they have adapted their lives to not include me in day-to-day events for the last 4 years. I stumbled around grumbling for just one night where I had "plans." The wilderness of loneliness just paved the road to grief. Not trusting and continually finding negatives set me up to greet the hardest days of my year with a calloused, bitter heart. I was constantly pondering what could be different if only certain people were still around, and the questions that plagued my mind 7 years ago resurfaced. Then came the wilderness of disappointment. Man is this one tough to swallow - admitting that a person has let you down completely is like surrendering hope. Something I have never EVER wanted to do.

Just when I was about to give up, a Sunday sermon brought a refreshing message about how God's love covers everyone, especially the people we absolutely cannot fathom ever loving. Think about that for a minute, how powerful. I have never felt more empowered to speak of the wonders God can accomplish when we claim his promises and cling to his truth. I'm hanging on, patiently waiting, praising through the storm, and trusting there is something bigger. Anyone who has ever seen the view of a summit point on a hike, or been in a race, or faced a challenge knows that the end is the best part. I'm to the point of the trek through the wilderness has left my mouth dry, and legs aching for a rest, my hair matted to my forehead with sweat, and a smile on my face as I head forward over the final steep hill to the top, the finish, the victory.

Regardless of what the finish looks like, staying in Rapid City and starting Nursing school, moving to Sun Valley to be a snowboard bum, working at the Hospital and trying with every humanly ounce to bless the people I will have the opportunity to serve...maybe its something bigger.