april 10 sucks

sometimes, i have days like today. where no matter how fast the world is moving around me, I feel like I have been standing still, unable to move and breath and talk and laugh. 9 years ago I was a freshman in high school. On April 10, 2002 after school I hopped in my friends Erin's car. My mom called before we even shifted out of park and told me that I would be grounded if I didn't go pick up my little sister from piano lessons. I argued for a little bit, and finally got into my own car and agreed to meet Erin at my house after I picked up Kalli and she picked up her brother, Josey. We had a bay window in our old house, and once I got home I was sitting in it anxiously waiting for Erin to come.

The home phone started ringing. I answered. It was my friend and teammate Danae. She asked if I was ok. "umm... yeah...?" was all I could get out. Then she said, "Ok, well if you need anything let me know." I hung up. "That was weird." Kalli was downstairs watching TV, probably Full House or Saved By The Bell. The phone rang again. This time it was Dee Shaffer, one of my closest friend's mothers. "Kim. Is your mom home?" she said, nervously. "No... she's at work. Why?" "Ok it is very important I need her number." My heart dropped. "What's going on?" I asked. "There's been an accident and I need to talk to your mom." I gave her the number and started crying. I didn't even know what was going on but could tell that something was terribly wrong. Almost as soon as I hung up, my cell phone rang. "Kim, are you OK?" said the female voice on the other end. "Who is this?" I said, trying to fight my tears, "And what is going on?" it was another teammate from basketball, "Well I just heard that there was a car accident and someone from your class was killed." I hung up the phone. Only 3 of us freshman drove. Me, Erin and Danny. All 3 of us were transfer students from public school, and those 2 were basically my only friends besides the basketball team. I called my mom. She told me to come to her office. "Kalli, lets go!"

We hopped in the truck and drove down there. My cell phone rang continuously, but I didn't want to talk to anyone. My mom was waiting outside of the hospital for us, and she just hugged me. She told me it was Erin. I don't really remember how I reacted, I just remember feeling overwhelmed with anger. I laid on the dirty hospital floor and cried. And then, it started raining. I went outside and collapsed. I was drenched but was happy to have something to wash all of my emotions away. I yelled at God, I prayed, I apologized for yelling, then I questioned, and apologized for questioning. I cried, and laughed, and didn't know how to react.

My mom came outside and said, "All of your friends are at the Shaffer's. I think you should go over there." I didn't want to go. They wouldn't understand. All of them had each other and had bonded since elementary school. They didn't know Erin, they didn't know me. We weren't "Christian" enough for them because our moms had full time jobs and our dad's didn't come in and say a blessing over us every night even during sleepovers. (Sidenote: I was SO jealous of those families... but that's a whole other post) Erin and I clicked, we both were discovering what it meant to love Jesus, but still be normal and acknowledge that life is messy. She confided in me about her past, her alcohol and drug use, her regrets, how poorly she treated her parents. I promised that I would always go with her to parties so she wouldn't be tempted to drink, and that I wouldn't drink unless she was with me. We bonded over mexican hot chocolates, wearing flip-flops year round (even with nylons on Chapel days, there comes that not "Christian" enough thing again), getting acrylic nails, and laughing over boys. We knew Jesus, but didn't like what he was for some of our friends. He was real for us, and we both credited him for saving us, for Erin from her past and for me it was from a life of searching for answers. I learned from that, even though I didn't experience those things with her just hearing how awful it made her feel was enough for me to know that it wasn't for me, either.

After I could speak, I told my mom that I didn't want to go to the Shaffer's, but she told me that I had to. I got back into the truck and realized I was trembling. "Mom? Can you drive?" She hopped in, and Kalli was in the backseat speechless. I didn't know what to do when I got to the Shaffer's. I was done crying, and I didn't want to go back through the whole curse/apologize to God thing again. The boys were riding Razor scooters in the driveway. Typical, too tough for emotion. I walked inside to a room full of crying classmates and adults who embraced me immediately. I didn't really know what to think, I watched my mom drive away out the window and asked if I could step out.

I wasn't quite ready to hop on a scooter and pretend like everything was fine, but I was so angry with the people who were so judgmental towards Erin. I remember the rumors they spread, "I heard that she had sex with like 6 guys, and that was just last year!" "Oh yeah? Well I saw that she was wearing THONG underwear!" Oh the private school gossip rings. The public school transfers added so much flavor to that school, and I'm so thankful for the experiences we had there, but it was so hard to try and find our fit. But Erin and I had each other, and wore whatever underwear we wanted.

I gave Mrs. Shaffer a hug, and she gave me a box of kleenex. There was a family there that I had only met a few times, the Kahlers. They were both crying and they came over and asked if they could pray for me. The Fischers were there too, among others that I just didn't want to really even see. I took hugs from people, smiled and thanked them for thinking about me. I called Erin's mom and cried. Then I called Ann. Her brother answered the phone, and he must have thought I was crazy because I just immediately started crying as soon as I heard "Hello" on the other end. When Ann called me back I asked if I could spend the night at her house. I went home from the Shaffer's and put some pajamas on and went up to Ann's.

We were in bed, in the dark. I remember fits of tears and giggles, at one point I reached over and poked Ann right in the eye "Eww what was that?" I said and transitioned from tears to laughter. Now, 9 years later, I am sitting in the library feeling my throat constrict, feeling the tears build up in my eyes, about to burst. Ann looks up from her computer and asked "Kim, what are you working on?" "uhh.." I hesitate, trying to not reveal my emotion, "Just my research paper." She could tell something was wrong. "Lets get out of here, I'm done studying." We got up, Ann gave me a hug in the hallway of the library and took me out to dinner. The transition from tears to giggles continues, even today, remembering Erin.

Her laugh was contagious, she had a smile that could light up a room. Her naive questions in science class, her insisting that everyone deserved at least 3 chances to earn her trust, and the way she managed to just understand me. I miss that the most. I think about her family, and how I bet that at some point every single day feels like April 10 for them. Some things I think are just better left to wonder. Like why a 16 year old was taken from us, to start new life in heaven early, but to leave us constantly missing her and overwhelmed with curiosity about what her future would have held. So for now, I'll listen to a mix CD that we made together, and continue the pattern of questioning God, apologizing for questioning, and keep trusting Him to cover me with grace and peace.